Monday, November 27, 2006

children of idle dreams

i love to fantasize about my life as it could be years from now.

usually these fantasies are the results of decisions--and the consequences that follow. i like to place myself in these alternate worlds of life, try them on, walk around a bit, see how they fit. i imagine not only my life, but the lives of those i love. even lives of little beings that don't exist. children who have not been born.

one such question resulting from these flights of fancy is that of us. is it so vain and thoughtless to see you and i as an us? maybe.

would we fight alot? probably.

would we love each other? who knows.

would we be the trendy pair, having cocktail parties every weekend at our stylish downtown apartment? would we spoil each other bitter to the core, flying to paris every few weeks for a cup of coffee and new manolo blahniks? would we stay out until four in the morning, drinking cosmos and apple martinis until even the most posh whores stared aghast? would we walk our dobermans named cain and abel in the manicured parks situated so neatly amongst the stone towers in the heart of the city? would we wonder why we had everything but still weren't happy?

because that is one fate i see us accepting as ours.

or would it be different? could it be different?

would we name our first son myles? our first daughter sophie? would we sleep in on sunday mornings, only to be woken up by our children's jumps and shrieks of laughter, begging us to make mickey mouse pancakes and waffles? would we go camping, sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows while the stars lit up our entire world in the isolation of the wilderness? would we struggle with bills, argue over money, and yet still find enough to take each other out to the movies for our weekly mom and dad date? would we freak the fuck out over a sports team, and dedicate whole afternoons to the big game? would you take our son fishing? would i take my daughter to the zoo? would we spend friday nights at home, playing cowboys and indians and having legendary battles with sir myles and lady sophie in our tiny, warm, amazingly suburban house?

i think it could be like this.

i think somewhere down this road i'm quickly speeding on i will have to make a choice. i will have to decide whether or not i would rather be sipping an ice coffee every morning on the way to work, trying to recover from the liquor dream of clubs and parties the night before; or would i rather be cleaning up vomit from the kindergarden flu, picking up assorted bob the builder toys and broken dolls, all the while scurrying to get dinner on the table just in time for daddy to come home from work.

what scares me the most is that i have no idea.


RuKsaK said...

this is beautiful. i can't believe no one comes and comments here. it's also sad you don't post more often. i'll check in every now and then to see if there's more.

Adams Avenue said...


The decisions of a woman. I feel like this some days . . .

Will he want to have my children?

Could we make a happy family?

Will he ever ask me to marry him?

Would I say yes?

Would I want to give up my body and my selfish life to bare little ones and create little extensions of myself, himself, ourselves?

Time will only tell, my dear.

I've been told to not "rush" the decision. . . . But what do they know?