Friday, July 06, 2007

once a whore, you're nothing more

putting her clothes back on as he sits watching from the chair in the corner, it hits her like the drugs injected into her system minutes before that this is what a whore feels.

shamefully she searches through the knotted white sheets for her bra, lost in the battle with her conscience. she skims through the rubble of her defeated pride, trying to find her top in the process.

he watches her, not bothering himself to get dressed. he sees the soft back arched in passion only moments before bending down, stooped slightly with motion to hide from the dim light. after a few minutes watching her frustration grow, he points to the black lace cast on the floor. she nods in thanks.

she can't figure out why she is still shaking. is it the cold?

the moonlight smiles upon her glowing skin, grazing her collarbone, skimming her small breasts and stomach. she realizes her exposure and clasps her recovered dress to her chest. more than the physical is exposed in this tragic post-coital dance home.

"i'm going to use your bathroom," she mumbles, her voice hoarse from previous screams egged on at his insistence.

"take your time beautiful."

it's a nice hotel room. the air conditioner ticks on and off every few minutes. the beds are clean. no bible in the drawer. she looked.

the bathroom lights are pretty and round, the kind you see in movie star dressing rooms; or at least that's how she imagined them. clicking the door shut behind her, she silently sinks to the cool floor, her still clutched dress absorbing her insides released through her muted tears. running mascara completes the illusion of trashy deliverance. why is it that the only thing she can think of is two summers ago?

the random picture show in her mind of days spent at canyon bonfires and running through sprinklers has no place in a hotel bathroom. she slows her breathing and grabs for the toilet paper. wipes her memory away. the smell of fireworks clouds her head. the feel of soft skin prods at her heart.

after composing herself, she emerges fully clothed, and sees him, still in his chair, with a lit cigarette glowing and dying in the dark. on the bed sits a very familiar diamond bracelet she had eyed only 4 hours earlier.

"that's for you."

she stares down at the glittering stars fallen to earth masquerading as diamonds.

"i don't accept gifts."

"you wanted it before."

"that was before sleeping with you."

he looks thoughtfully at this young, flushed girl, who was certainly a woman only a few minutes ago. where did the ravishing woman go, the woman who at dinner played with his ego, daring to be brazen in her intentions for him that night. the woman in a strappy purple summer dress, sipping champagne he had ordered for her, discussing philosophy and existentialism in her best impression of pretension.

"i'm not a whore."

"it's not payment. i just want you to have it. no strings attached."

the girl grabs her cheap imitation knock-off of a gucci bag. she picks up her pink razr cell phone with the hello kitty charm attached. slipping on her mismatched juvenile green flip flops, she puts the butterfly clip that had fallen out back in her tousled hair.

"i don't want it. i'm not interested in a no strings attached attachment." she turns and heads for the door.

"then all you are is a sad little girl who still believes in love and fairy tales."

she stops. twirls her hello kitty charm in her fingers.

"you're wrong," she says in monotone, a hint of uncertainty in her tone.

"how am i wrong? that you're a woman? honey, you're nothing close," he chides, standing up, zipping his jeans. "for an underage fuck you're not too bad though."

"you're still wrong," she says, trembling and reaching for the handle.

"then what is it?" he says, taking a long drag and bending down for another line from the tray. "maybe i am wrong, maybe you weren't that great. you teenagers never know what you're doing."

exiting the room, the swell in her throat drowning out her thoughts once more, she stares straight ahead down the long corridor of identical doors to identical rooms.

"i don't believe in anything anymore."




76 comments:

Johnny Nickname said...

Deftly written. Made me think of one of my favourite quotes from Goethe:

“There is no art in turning a goddess into a witch, a virgin into a whore, but the opposite operation, to give dignity to what has been scorned, to make the degraded disireable, that calls for art or for character.”

KGT said...

Very powerful. I know some very dear people who will be moved by reading this. If you don't mind, may I share this liberally?

I've not read your work before. Great stuff. I am grateful to Johnny Nickname for the link, and for the apropos Goethe not-so-trite remark.

the green fairy said...

@kgt: why certainly, feel free. i think that is the goal of most writers, to learn that their lives made pretty on paper can move someone else. so please do share it if you like. :)

@johnnynickname: that is the most beautiful quote. mind if i steal? it's jaded and perfect...perfect fuel for further writing. and thank you so very much. :)

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