a flutter

did you know that your body starts dying at age 20?

your first twenty years are spent growing, living, evolving into something better. with each year the prototype becomes new, improved. maybe that's why they say these are the best years of our lives. since, you know, we don't necessarily live the rest.

but of course it's all just a blink of an eye. in the eyes of god, a human life is but a flutter in time. a breath of air.

and to think some people squander their entire lives.

teenagers, as young as 11 and 12, committing suicide. people whoring out their bodies to drugs and alchohol, not giving a flying fuck if they ever go home. young, healthy men dying for oil on the other side of the world, so far away from home, all to impress someone's dad. and then there are those who never get the chance to live at all, being the products of abortion, birth defection, or perhaps simply being the 30-year old robot, trolling through each day half awake.


it's tragic that at age 16 i am already counting my hours.

humanity's curse

since i was a child, my worst fear has always been age.

the old frighten me. not stereotypical fear of the wreckless endangerment of others through veering on the expressway, or the fact that removable teeth are an everyday thing. it is that they are that much closer to seeing death.

i have never been in a rush to grow up. youth is my most jealously guarded possession, and i am desperate not to take it for granted. when i am told to stop acting like a child, that i am far past that, i become afraid. after all, what else do we have but that hopeful cling to our days of innocence? we were untainted by the cruelty of the world, free of sin and crime and the anguish most adults go through every day of their miserable lives. we were able to dream.

in my view the old have nothing left. they have nothing left but to jealously look upon the youth of today, mere shadows in the presence of the world. ignored by their families, all traces of the lust for life they must have once possessed now gone. the lines and creases in their faces telling the story of once upon a time. the glory days have long been over, reduced to the rank pestilence of a decaying nursing home.

i would rather die young than to be old and cast aside along with the morning refuse.

the forbidden fruit, finale| banished from paradise

these sharp yet waning reminiscences have allowed me to forget the 24 story drop to the streets below. i awaken from my elation and jerk back to reality. my cheeks are wet remembering these beginnings, and sweat lines my brow. the lights still calling me, i sway a bit, clutching a note in my hand. so much has happened. that fateful night seems so far away; i find myself going back again.


for 7 days, i was completely and absolutely free.

my mother and i continued to visit your family's house every day after that night. sometimes we would meet downtown at our grandmother's house, but either way, i was beyond the point of happiness. at the dinner table we tended to sit across from each other, a few suggestive glances and bitten lower lips from both of us throughout the meal only anticipating what would come afterwards. every moment not touching you was torturous, and with my mother sitting right next to me i would brush your legs with my toes. there were times i would dare to move higher, resulting in you coughing on your water. it was these times that i would wear longer sleeved shirts and no shorts around the adults. if they noticed the finger and hand prints on my arms and chest and thighs left by you, there would be questions.

rushing upstairs after excusing ourselves to play some videogames you would take me, over and over. each time our hushed gasps and quiet moans grew louder, and soon your lips or neck were barely enough to silence me. after the tumultuous chaos of our bliss, my tight, strenuous hold on your dark curls would relax, and we would lie down in your dark room listening to the night breeze coming in through the window. we whispered about our dreams again, which superheroes were still the best. you told me that for years you had loved me, but couldn't possibly have let me know. from the very first kiss we shared on our grandmother's front steps you had loved me. and i realized that i had loved you since then as well.

"sometimes i wonder if i was adopted," you confide to me one such day, your hands trailing down my spine as we lie intertwined on your white sheets.

"why?"

"because then maybe it would be okay for me to love you."

a pang hits my heart, and i sense it hit yours too. the darkness of the crimes we have committed creeps into the room, chilling, and we move closer together.

"i can't believe that something this right is so wrong," you whisper, your eyelashes brushing my cheek.

"maybe god wants us to be like this...he wouldn't have had us meet if we couldn't be together," i murmur, aware of the childishness of my statement.

you pause, thinking.

"but we can't."

you stop stroking my lower back and roll over, your back to me. i stare at the ceiling above, the sounds of trees swaying entering through the window. i pull my t-shirt over my head and slide into my jeans.

"we should head downstairs, before they get curious."

sitting up you pull me back to you, your face buried in my chest.
"i don't think i can live when you leave," you murmur into my shirt. "even just sitting next to you watching tv is too hard...not being able to even look at you...i can't imagine when you're gone, away in another country completely."

"we'll face that when it comes." i tilt your face up to mine and smile. you smile back, the same sly one that weakens my knees.

"you stay up here and play with grazela for a few minutes, and i'll go down before you," you say, pulling on your pants. i nod and you kiss me before running downstairs.



after a few minutes of admiring grazela's barbie dolls, the next scene that i witness turns my legs to shit. your mother is crying.



i look to your father and he is blue in the face, grabbing you by your collar. tears are streaming down your face as he screams. i cannot hear what he is saying. but the sickly feeling that has suddenly poisoned my body knows. i search for my mother amid all of the commotion, and see her, sitting in a chair staring at the ground. i rush from the foot of the stairs to go to her, but am stopped by a thunder of hands attacking my face and arms.

"YOU FILTHY WHORE! you have sinned against your own blood! you have condemned my son to hell, you traitorous slut! whore!," my aunt screeches as she pummels me.

tavito rushes forward to restrain her, hands still clawing and reaching for my face; i cower on the dirty floor, whimpering for my mother. she does not move, only sits, fixated on one spot somewhere on the ground. through my tears and hair i see vanessa, standing slightly to the side of everything.

the sneer she wears along with a white ruffly dress brings me to a sickly realization.

it was you...you knew, about that night...!

she laughs. her white teeth gleam perfection, and the shrill mock of a laugh echoes through them. in the laugh are all of the years of our rivalry. my many victories outnumbered hers, but she had finally won; and given me the greatest loss. that last laugh's echo reaches me on the rooftop. i shiver.


the few hours after the explosion are a bit of a blur. all i can remember of it was getting whisked into the car to leave; your frantic yells to stop faintly in the background. i look out the back window as we speed away and see you running desperately after us, calling my name. after about 3 minutes you give up, falling to your knees as we exit the suburb. my mother did not speak to me that day, or any day after that until we were to leave the country.



we left two days later. the car ride to the airport is silent. my aunt driving, angeles, is too ashamed to even speak to me, and has forbade alejandra, linda, and alan to do so either. we sit miserably in the back seat, my mother in the front seat, silent and indifferent as ever. very few people are there waiting at the airport to see us off. my grandparents, emerson, jose, my aunt veronica, and assorted little ones. we all exchange half hearted hugs and dry kisses, the scandal rocking each and every one of them out of their comfort zones. no one makes eye contact for more than a moment. i move down the row of little ones, kissing their heads goodbye. a small one, melissa, motions me to come closer. she then whispers, as if it's a secret,
"why are they making you go?"

"...because i did something very bad, and i can't stay here anymore," i whisper, a dry lump in the back of my throat.

she nods, but does not understand. i kiss her cheeks and stand up. i am very startled to see tavito rushing towards me.

"tavito! what are you--"
"i cannot stay very long, i only told mama that i was going to the market. i have a note...he asked me to give it to you," he stutters nervously, closing a folded piece of paper into my hand.

"be careful nena." i smile, tears welling, blurring my vision of his caring features. i had never taken the time to notice how genuine his incredibly bashful smile was. this would probably be the last time i would see it.

"thank you tavito." he touches my cheek, then quickly turns, disappearing into the crowd.

my mother and i were lucky enough to be seated seperately, with her in first class and i in coach. i am seated by the window, my favorite spot. i carefully unfold the note crunched in my hand.

MY ONLY WISH IS TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL SOMEHOW READ THESE WORDS. I HAVE WAITED MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR SUCH A FEELING OF REAL EMOTION. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS EVER AND WILL EVER INSPIRE ME TO LOVE. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY EVERYTHING, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS. YOU ARE WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHEN I FIRST WAKE UP AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP.

"i'm sorry. they said that it wasn't an accident...that he did it on purpose.."

I LOVE YOU. MORE THAN ANYTHING, INCLUDING MY OWN LIFE. AFTER ALL...WHAT IS A LIFE IF YOU AREN'T THERE? WHEN THEY FORCED ME TO WATCH YOU DRIVE AWAY IN THAT CAR, AWAY FROM ME FOREVER, I KNEW THAT IT HAD TO END. WHEN YOU SAID THAT GOD WANTED US TO BE TOGETHER, I BELIEVED YOU--HE JUST DOESNT WANT IT RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT IF I DIE, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WAIT FOR YOU.

"they didn't find any note, any indication as to why he did it. they believe that he threw himself off of the bridge onto the expressway, obviously with an intent to end his life."

AND I WILL. IF I HAVE TO WAIT 100 YEARS. I WILL WAIT. IF THEY WON'T LET ME LOVE YOU IN LIFE...BE COMFORTED THAT I WILL WAIT FOR YOU IN DEATH. ELYSIUM WILL BE OURS. I LOVE YOU.

elysium. we had talked about it once. you told me that yours was a beach, with water so blue is outshined the sky. the sun would take hours to set, allowing its' beautiful colors to expand across the heavens. and when it finally did set, the stars were so close you could touch them. mine was quite simple. it was that warm day downtown, with the sun shining through the trees, the pulperia on the corner. i can smell the breeze wafting the smell of summer, the meats cooking, and i can taste the mangos in the cart passing by. all made perfect by sitting on the stairs, a coke in hand. with you.

"your aunt and uncle sent me some papers...they are documents certifying legal custody."

"...what does that mean?"

"you two weren't really cousins...your aunt had an affair with another man...they kept it a secret from everyone else, including him. he was not your blood relation."

the lights below me glitter as my tears fall thousands of feet.
i crunch the sharp cornered note in my hand, pinching my skin and raise my arms to my sides. what do i have to lose now?



the pavement nears so quickly, i can barely enjoy the feeling of flying. everything that was miniature just a mere few moments ago now grows larger, the cracks in the sidewalk more distinct. i can't remember if i said anything. i know that i kept my eyes open, tears streaming up behind me into the sky; which is strange. all i could see when i plummeted down was you.
then finally nothing at all.

when i awoke you were sitting next to me, the warm breeze rustling your black curly hair. you smile down at me, setting an already bitten mango down on the steps next to two glass bottles, and help me to my feet.

the forbidden fruit, part three| partaking of the fruit

(continued from part two)
--


over the next week i had seen you almost everyday. you did not mention that first day's soccer game, and acted as if you barely knew me. we had very casual conversation, very different from the past conversations of our dreams and the
coolest superheroes. i was stunned by your failure to even look me straight in the eye.

was i disappointed? had i expected an explanation for that...first day?

over the next few days i grew increasingly restless, my two female cousins alejandra and linda noticing.

"what's wrong with you? ever since last tuesday you've been acting weird," alejandra pokes me. all three of us lying sprawled on her bed reading magazines.

"i'm fine...i think i just ate something bad."

the two sisters nod in understanding; their mother's food is very different from the food i am accustomed to. that and the fact that sometimes it doesn't sit well.

my mother comes in and tells us to get dressed.
"we're going to your uncle's house today," she says.

"didn't we just go yesterday? and the day before? and the day before that?" linda moans.
"linda you don't have to come, but you have to. no excuses." she eyes me and i roll over into the pillows.

in the car i am dreading this visit. it will be exactly the same as the others; except emerson isn't going, so i will have no one to talk to. i can't very well talk to vanessa, and grazela is too young; tavito won't talk. and i don't even want to face you again. we walk up to the stoop of your very tall house, and i see a few boys playing ball down the street. i recognize your curly shag, and i shove my way up past my mother and aunt and knock on the door.

we all sit down to dinner, and your mother walks to the door to call you in. you come in, your face a little damp, and everyone greets you. you return them with a very open smile; you look in my direction and smile bigger. i don't smile back.

your mother enthusiastically pulls open the empty chair next to me, and plops you down. i sigh and fiddle with the beans on my plate. the dinner goes by with the grownups gossiping about everything; we are the only two children, except for grazela, and we do not talk. vanessa is at a birthday party, and who knows where tavito is. after the meal the plates are cleared and replaced with coffee cups and small dishes for cake. how much coffee does our family drink?

i excuse myself to go to the bathroom when really all i want is to escape the awkward silence between us. i splash some water on my face while i am in there and fix my hair. i actually look decent.

so why wouldn't he talk to me? not that i would want him to...but still.

as i walk down the hallway back to the dining room i see all of the pictures of your family on the wall, and am surprised to see a picture of me as well. two pictures...no three. four? one of them is a current picture of me, a portrait--maybe mom sent it to them? the others fluctuate, one when i was 11, two are younger. gazing at the wall i do not notice you standing in front of me, and i bump into your chest.

"sorry, i--"

"go back down to the dining room. meet me upstairs in 3 minutes."

you stride past me up to the stairs. none of the lights are on upstairs, but i hear a door close. confused, i head back down to the dining room. why are your eyelashes that long?

i sit down and wait. the adults haven't even noticed my return, and i nibble on a small piece of cake. has it been 3 minutes yet? those 180 seconds go by quickly. i rise and casually make my way back up the stairs to the picture hallway.
the hallway is dark now, as is the upstairs where you went. i reach the top of the stairs and wonder where you wanted to meet me; in your room? on the balcony outside?

before my eyes are able to adjust to the dark, a pair of hands grabs me from behind. one covers my mouth and the other crosses my chest, pulling me back. i panic, and my arms thrash, the feeling of a wall pressing against my back. the hand over my mouth disappears and i open my mouth to scream, but am silenced. your lips inhale my scream and your body presses mine against the cold wall. my hands search the wall behind me, frantically searching for something to grasp, as my mind cannot even grasp what is happening. your hands then silence my hands' frantic search as your fingers lace with mine.

that damned tingling is back. now there is no stopping it.

finally, after about forever, you release me from your lip lock and i gasp out of sheer shock and for breath. you place my hands on your shoulders and my stomach churns as i feel your hands skimming across my hips and thighs, feeling every inch of me.

"we can't, this is..." i stutter, your lips burning the very same spot on my collar bone as they did days ago. i feel that we are moving; we have moved closer to a lit doorway. your room.

my fingers grip your curls, and i feel my body surrendering. the wall at my back disappears, and you push me into your room, landing on the bed. the door closes, and the lights fade.

if only i had taken note of the figure sitting in the window in the corridor before you shut the door behind you. perhaps we might have known that we had now damned ourselves; not only in the next world, but in this one.




--
the final, part four, coming soon

the forbidden fruit, part two| the snake's temptation

it was not until two years later that i saw you again. well, not entirely...with a few scattered visits in between those childhood days and now, we had barely spoken to each other, shy of our budding bodies and cracking voices. i had remained with my girl cousins, and you had gone off with the boys. no more games of tag, no more hide and seek, and no more soccer.

i was 16 years old, and my mother and i were visiting again. we were staying in my aunt's house as usual, and the day was a tuesday. mom had told me to start getting ready, for we were going downtown to my grandmother's house in a bit. i smelled a little from our past few days at the beach and the long trip home, so i went to the bathroom to take a quick shower before heading downtown.

since my aunt was picking up my cousins from school, and my mother was the only one home, i figured it was safe enough to come out in only a towel. i open the door to 9 faces staring at me, dripping and half naked. you were one of them.

in those years before, you and i were quite similar physically. the same small iron-board of a body, with small arms and legs. crooked teeth, long eyelashes with large eyes, the only real difference between us was my waist-long hair and feminine featured face. but now it was easy to see that things had changed. very much so.

the first thing i had noticed was how toned you were, even underneath your clothes it stood out. those years of soccer had payed off, and you now had a quick and agile body. you had grown taller than me, when we used to be the same height. your hair was curly, and rested in a delicate shag, framing your face, which was flushed with color from the sun. after so many years of never looking directly into your eyes i noticed how they hadn't changed from the eyes i used to know so well. your smile was different though. more of a smirk than a smile. sly, and not entirely trustworthy, but very charming, with white teeth that had straightened out like my own.

i of course was different as well. seeing your eyes resting on me had made me even more self conscious than any sixteen year old of my body. the once waist-long hair now rested around my shoulders, at the moment dripping with water. my large eyes had grown into my face, not standing out as much as they did when i was younger. i had developed curves, and your unwavering gaze caused me to wrap the small towel around my small breasts and hips even tighter. the past few days in the sun left me with a tan i was proud to call "native", and you could barely tell that i had come from a drab sunless town in the states.

a burst of movement and i find myself wrapped in my uncle's crushing embrace. your mother and mine cannot stop squeeing over how much i've grown, my aunt covering my face in kisses. i stoop to each of my cousins and exchange the customary kiss on the cheek. you rise from your lounging position on the couch and stop in front of me. your eyes are teasing, and your face then lights up with that smirk-smile. i return you with a smile of my own, and lean in to graze your cheek. as you pull away i feel your warm breath on my neck. something in the pit of my stomach tingles then subsides. my body knows that the kind of tingling i just felt is not appropriate. especially with you.

a few hours lazily pass by, the family all seated in the living room drinking coffee and eating sweet cake. i lounge back on the rocking chair, obviously fully clothed now. i study each face to press a permanent imprint into my memory.

first i see tavito, the eldest. named for your father, tavo, he has always been extremely shy; to the point where he has had trouble in class with his absolute reluctance to speak up. nothing really striking about his features; the curse of acne scars riddle his face. next i move to the youngest, grazela, with her pixie face. she has bright eyes, a sharp nose, and clean cheeks, and always reminded me of a fairy. and then there is vanessa.

vanessa.

my mother always fawned over how beautiful she was. she has always loathed me, and i her in return. since the beginning we have been envious of each other; i was always jealous of her beauty, and a specific white ruffly dress that she owned. and of course, because she was your sister. she would always cut into our games when she already spent all the time in the world with you, barely allowing me any. i hated her. she notices my glare and flips her hair over her shoulder. i seethe at the thought of my mother forcing me to give her my old handmedown dresses and shirts.

i casually glance over to you and am startled to see your iron stare pressing into me. i watch, my body stiffened, as your dark eyes with the long eyelashes skim down past my breasts and over my legs, slowly coming back up to return my stare. my stomach tingles again. i press my folded arms harder into it.

the front door slams, and the cousins who actually live there are home from school, my aunt trailing in behind them with grocery bags of food for the party. my youngest cousin, alan, runs to my side, and asks to play soccer outside. i nod and get up. the grownups are gossiping, but it's the boring kind.

suddenly, i look up and you stride towards me, the smirk now stronger than ever.

"i'm up for it. lets see if i can still beat you."

your eyes glitter with something. i stand struck dumb with nothing at all clever to say. your eyelashes distract me.

i dare to cast you a few nervous glances during the game, the chaotic screams of the younger ones echoing on the walls. alan heads the ball to me, and i take off down the street. my side hurts from the game and from laughing. i whip my head around and expect to see a herd of screaming kids running after me; instead, all i see is you. you tail me, close enough to feel, the rest of the game far behind us. your feet move in and out of mine, and i pass it back and forth.

you've somehow managed to corner me, and our legs intertwine, frantically searching for the ball. i feel your hot breath on my neck again. one moment i almost get free, the next you have me pinned against the wall, your hands gripping mine against it. my back still to you, i panic for a second, and struggle.

my stomach falls through my legs when i feel that a pair of lips have replaced your breath on my collarbone.

"kids! time to come in for dinner!"

im frozen against the wall, motionless, my heart pounding. after catching my breath, i turn around slowly. you've long gone, and are back with the younger ones holding the door open. it seems that your smirk is permanently pressed into your face, and it is now joined with a teasing laugh.

"well? are you coming?"

wide eyed, i slowly make my way back to the house. the tingling above my thighs burning into me like sin.




--
part three, coming soon

the forbidden fruit, part one| days of innocence

as i stand on this rooftop, my thoughts turn to you, as always.

the harsh concrete cement and rush hour traffic below beckon me with the flashing lights of euphoria. i remember the glittering sun through the trees of those summer days, years ago. the sounds of the traffic below slowly fade and are replaced with echoing laughter. we are in honduras, downtown in the capital.

we were only kids back then, our biggest problems being a lost barbie doll, or flat basketball. boys were icky, and girls were fun to poke. our innocence of the time saved us from all of the other mess in the world. i sit with you on the steps of our grandmother's house, breathing quickly, as we had just completed a rigorous game of tag. the busy street before us is exciting to simply watch; carts of ice cream coming by, kids like us smiling out of the windows of their cars at us. i play with one of the neighbor's dogs.

"you want to go again?" you say.

"no, im tired...lets get something to drink at the pupleria." my spanish was very good, considering how my younger mind was more easily adept to picking up the language.

as we walk down the hot sidewalk, i am fascinated by my surroundings. very urban and busy, i make eye contact with every stranger i pass. my mother always scolded me for doing this, worried that i would get into trouble; but i wanted to remember every single detail of this place. every smell of meat cooking, the taste of fresh mangos, the feeling of the warm breeze ruffling my hair.

we arrive at the corner store and buy two cokes for 5 lempiras. they still sell them in the classic glass bottles. it's funny how every time i see those now, i think back to you taking my bottle and cleaning the top before i naively drank from it.

"you always clean the top before you drink it," you mumble shyly.

we walk down the street back to the house. the houses are side by side, and everybody always keeps their doors open. we decline a few invitations to have "sandra's daughter and tavo's son" in for a drink and some sweet bread, and go to
sit on the steps with our other cousins once more.

emerson and jose go back inside at the calls of my aunt and mother. you and i are left alone outside.

"have you ever kissed a boy before?" you ask me quietly, eyes fixated on an ant on the ground.

"no...have you?" i say, taking a long sip from my coke. the carbonation stings my eyes, and they water.

"not a boy, but i kissed this girl once at my school." you declare proudly.

"did you force her or make a bet?" i poke. i nervously drink more coke. why am i nervous?

"no, she asked me to! so i did it...want me to show you?" suddenly we are both fixated on the same ant crawling in the sidewalk cracks.

"...i guess so."

awkwardly we turn to face each other. the ant has flipped itself over now, its frantic legs moving quickly in the air above it. you put your hands on my shoulders and i do the same to you.

slowly leaning in, you quickly peck my sugary lips. i taste the coke on yours when you pull away, and wonder if you can taste mine. we got the same flavor, but yours tastes better.

"that wasn't so bad...not as gross as i thought it would be," i say. other ants have started to come and surround the struggling ant, some have climbed on top of it.

"yeah, i guess it was okay." you take my hand and lead me inside. "lets go see if there's any food left!"

"okay!"

that was nice, but not amazing like in the movies. oh well.

the ant is now being torn apart. one of its' appendages lies a few millimeters away from the rest of its struggling body. the other ants slowly move it toward the main sidewalk crack.


who would have known that the simple sweet sugary kiss of that day would have turned into something much more. something much more dangerous, much more forbidden.

soldier

that night the stars fell from the sky in my world.

and you were the cause of it.

i had begun the next day not speaking to you. my vow when i closed my eyes the night before was never to see you again, in my dreams or in the dull humdrum of the days to come. my tears, long run dry, did not have permission to fall for you once more, as i dragged myself towards the bathroom mirror. staring back was a little girl, nothing more. who's swollen face and tossled hair did not hide the break in her plain jane eyes. a vivid ferocity that was once there had faded over time, eroded by whispers of "i love you", calls that never did come, hours spent waiting alone at swanky restaurants. i quickly look away from the mirror, and wander back to the bed. out of the corner of my eye i see the red blinking of an answering machine.

11 new messages.

i'm sure that somewhere between all of the "baby please pick up the phone, i really need to explain about last night, you know i need you more than anything"s there is some form of an explanation as to why.

why did i let him into my heart? why were my barriers so susceptible to his charms? why did i even listen when he said..."together forever". i had known better than that; fairy tales are fairy tales, i had always told myself that.

why?

all of these thoughts were hurting my insides. i threw on some clothes and headed towards the door, grabbing a cardboard box on the way. your things--an old baseball t-shirt, your razor and a toothbrush, the cologne that floods my head with your name, a few pairs of boxer shorts. the picture lying on the top of the pile--i set that aside. it was taken last summer, black and white. a pang tugs at my stomach, staring into your laughing eyes, remembering the smell of the breeze that day. for a second i miss the feeling of being held in your arms.

why?


but the second ends. and i hate you again.

i throw the box into the back of my car and speed. i've never really been a very careful driver; speed limits are more like helpful suggestions of how fast you should be going; but as they are suggestions, they can easily be ignored. the long rehearsed route to your house is very mechanical to me, and i dont need to think about which way to take, as i already know. i pulled up to your house and see the familiar little surroundings, the flowers your mother vigorously maintains bordering the walk. tulips, my favorite. the first time i had come here, i knew we were meant to be--you had tulips in your front yard.

setting the box down in front of the door, i struggle not to ring the doorbell.

no. just leave his stuff and get out of here before anyone sees you.

"baby?"

i freeze. still facing your front door, i know that you're standing there behind me.

"hey, i was hoping you would come...i was just about to go over to your house but i saw your car..."

"i really dont want to see you," i whisper. my tears break the rules; soon my face is damp with them.

"i know you dont...but i dont think i can even think for another minute without speaking to you...we really need to talk more about this." a pair of rough hands grasp my shoulders and i am pulled back. i desperately fight against my body not to allow it, but it doesn't listen, and i find myself wrapped in arms.

"please will you talk to me about it? you left so fast last night that i barely even got a chance to explain.."

"what is there to talk about?! you're leaving me!" i seethe. my body is shocked awake by my reason, and i struggle to break free of the arms. they hold me tighter, closer, turning me around to face the torso they are attached to. my vow is broken, and i stare up into your eyes.

i have always been fascinated by your eyes. they arent the clear, striking blue that most guys in those love stories have; they are like mine. dark, not really anything out of the ordinary, and they appear amber in the sunlight. it was the sincerity and truth that was always reflected through them. you see people for who they are, and all that they can be. and i loved you for that. and i see it still. your eyes, vessels of emotion; right now i see longing. and pain.

shit.

"i'm not leaving you. how could you even think that?" i am trapped by your eyes, holding me up. i dare not look away, or i will come crashing down.

"i just...i dont know how else to say how sorry i am..."

"then don't. just tell me...why you?"

silence.

"why you out of the hundreds, thousands others they could've chosen? why are they sending you to die..."

my voice breaks, as does my breath. your eyes, still holding me, open a flood gate of reasons why.

"i have to go...they need me. i am going for you--"

"for me? what are you talking about for me! they don't need you! i need you! i need you here with me, not fighting someone else's war only to die in the process!" the tears are flowing freely now, and i forget about hiding them.

"by going i am defending everything that i love. i am defending YOU, you who i care about more than anything else in this world! please, i just wish you would understand that...i wouldnt go if i didnt know you were strong enough to stay here...to stay here and wait for me."

you're doing this for me? is that why? because you love me?

"i...i still dont understand.." i whisper into your chest, daring to blink and lose sight of you.

"i know, it's something that's not easy to understand...but people are dying...and i am so grateful that it's not happening here, because the thought of anything happening to you---"

the longing and pain in your eyes has manifested into emissions of rage. it frightens me, and i tense against your embrace. a long silence follows.

"i just have to go. to make sure that in the future things are better...for us...for our children."

the eyes that hold me so captivated slowly close and look away. i brace myself for the fall, scrambling to hold on to anything in reach...and what i reach for is you. a jarring hit on the pavement as i hurtle from the stars, i finally understand; and resign myself to your arms at last.

we stood there for what seemed like forever. but as i've learned, forever doesn't last. people said that i was too young, too foolish to wait for you. and days came when i thought so myself. but one glance at the ring on my left finger, and i understood that the wait meant nothing; only the day when you came home. every night i paste the stars back up into the sky, leaving one spot for yours; the spot that will be filled when i can be lifted by your eyes again.