the forbidden fruit, part two| the snake's temptation

it was not until two years later that i saw you again. well, not entirely...with a few scattered visits in between those childhood days and now, we had barely spoken to each other, shy of our budding bodies and cracking voices. i had remained with my girl cousins, and you had gone off with the boys. no more games of tag, no more hide and seek, and no more soccer.

i was 16 years old, and my mother and i were visiting again. we were staying in my aunt's house as usual, and the day was a tuesday. mom had told me to start getting ready, for we were going downtown to my grandmother's house in a bit. i smelled a little from our past few days at the beach and the long trip home, so i went to the bathroom to take a quick shower before heading downtown.

since my aunt was picking up my cousins from school, and my mother was the only one home, i figured it was safe enough to come out in only a towel. i open the door to 9 faces staring at me, dripping and half naked. you were one of them.

in those years before, you and i were quite similar physically. the same small iron-board of a body, with small arms and legs. crooked teeth, long eyelashes with large eyes, the only real difference between us was my waist-long hair and feminine featured face. but now it was easy to see that things had changed. very much so.

the first thing i had noticed was how toned you were, even underneath your clothes it stood out. those years of soccer had payed off, and you now had a quick and agile body. you had grown taller than me, when we used to be the same height. your hair was curly, and rested in a delicate shag, framing your face, which was flushed with color from the sun. after so many years of never looking directly into your eyes i noticed how they hadn't changed from the eyes i used to know so well. your smile was different though. more of a smirk than a smile. sly, and not entirely trustworthy, but very charming, with white teeth that had straightened out like my own.

i of course was different as well. seeing your eyes resting on me had made me even more self conscious than any sixteen year old of my body. the once waist-long hair now rested around my shoulders, at the moment dripping with water. my large eyes had grown into my face, not standing out as much as they did when i was younger. i had developed curves, and your unwavering gaze caused me to wrap the small towel around my small breasts and hips even tighter. the past few days in the sun left me with a tan i was proud to call "native", and you could barely tell that i had come from a drab sunless town in the states.

a burst of movement and i find myself wrapped in my uncle's crushing embrace. your mother and mine cannot stop squeeing over how much i've grown, my aunt covering my face in kisses. i stoop to each of my cousins and exchange the customary kiss on the cheek. you rise from your lounging position on the couch and stop in front of me. your eyes are teasing, and your face then lights up with that smirk-smile. i return you with a smile of my own, and lean in to graze your cheek. as you pull away i feel your warm breath on my neck. something in the pit of my stomach tingles then subsides. my body knows that the kind of tingling i just felt is not appropriate. especially with you.

a few hours lazily pass by, the family all seated in the living room drinking coffee and eating sweet cake. i lounge back on the rocking chair, obviously fully clothed now. i study each face to press a permanent imprint into my memory.

first i see tavito, the eldest. named for your father, tavo, he has always been extremely shy; to the point where he has had trouble in class with his absolute reluctance to speak up. nothing really striking about his features; the curse of acne scars riddle his face. next i move to the youngest, grazela, with her pixie face. she has bright eyes, a sharp nose, and clean cheeks, and always reminded me of a fairy. and then there is vanessa.

vanessa.

my mother always fawned over how beautiful she was. she has always loathed me, and i her in return. since the beginning we have been envious of each other; i was always jealous of her beauty, and a specific white ruffly dress that she owned. and of course, because she was your sister. she would always cut into our games when she already spent all the time in the world with you, barely allowing me any. i hated her. she notices my glare and flips her hair over her shoulder. i seethe at the thought of my mother forcing me to give her my old handmedown dresses and shirts.

i casually glance over to you and am startled to see your iron stare pressing into me. i watch, my body stiffened, as your dark eyes with the long eyelashes skim down past my breasts and over my legs, slowly coming back up to return my stare. my stomach tingles again. i press my folded arms harder into it.

the front door slams, and the cousins who actually live there are home from school, my aunt trailing in behind them with grocery bags of food for the party. my youngest cousin, alan, runs to my side, and asks to play soccer outside. i nod and get up. the grownups are gossiping, but it's the boring kind.

suddenly, i look up and you stride towards me, the smirk now stronger than ever.

"i'm up for it. lets see if i can still beat you."

your eyes glitter with something. i stand struck dumb with nothing at all clever to say. your eyelashes distract me.

i dare to cast you a few nervous glances during the game, the chaotic screams of the younger ones echoing on the walls. alan heads the ball to me, and i take off down the street. my side hurts from the game and from laughing. i whip my head around and expect to see a herd of screaming kids running after me; instead, all i see is you. you tail me, close enough to feel, the rest of the game far behind us. your feet move in and out of mine, and i pass it back and forth.

you've somehow managed to corner me, and our legs intertwine, frantically searching for the ball. i feel your hot breath on my neck again. one moment i almost get free, the next you have me pinned against the wall, your hands gripping mine against it. my back still to you, i panic for a second, and struggle.

my stomach falls through my legs when i feel that a pair of lips have replaced your breath on my collarbone.

"kids! time to come in for dinner!"

im frozen against the wall, motionless, my heart pounding. after catching my breath, i turn around slowly. you've long gone, and are back with the younger ones holding the door open. it seems that your smirk is permanently pressed into your face, and it is now joined with a teasing laugh.

"well? are you coming?"

wide eyed, i slowly make my way back to the house. the tingling above my thighs burning into me like sin.




--
part three, coming soon

the forbidden fruit, part one| days of innocence

as i stand on this rooftop, my thoughts turn to you, as always.

the harsh concrete cement and rush hour traffic below beckon me with the flashing lights of euphoria. i remember the glittering sun through the trees of those summer days, years ago. the sounds of the traffic below slowly fade and are replaced with echoing laughter. we are in honduras, downtown in the capital.

we were only kids back then, our biggest problems being a lost barbie doll, or flat basketball. boys were icky, and girls were fun to poke. our innocence of the time saved us from all of the other mess in the world. i sit with you on the steps of our grandmother's house, breathing quickly, as we had just completed a rigorous game of tag. the busy street before us is exciting to simply watch; carts of ice cream coming by, kids like us smiling out of the windows of their cars at us. i play with one of the neighbor's dogs.

"you want to go again?" you say.

"no, im tired...lets get something to drink at the pupleria." my spanish was very good, considering how my younger mind was more easily adept to picking up the language.

as we walk down the hot sidewalk, i am fascinated by my surroundings. very urban and busy, i make eye contact with every stranger i pass. my mother always scolded me for doing this, worried that i would get into trouble; but i wanted to remember every single detail of this place. every smell of meat cooking, the taste of fresh mangos, the feeling of the warm breeze ruffling my hair.

we arrive at the corner store and buy two cokes for 5 lempiras. they still sell them in the classic glass bottles. it's funny how every time i see those now, i think back to you taking my bottle and cleaning the top before i naively drank from it.

"you always clean the top before you drink it," you mumble shyly.

we walk down the street back to the house. the houses are side by side, and everybody always keeps their doors open. we decline a few invitations to have "sandra's daughter and tavo's son" in for a drink and some sweet bread, and go to
sit on the steps with our other cousins once more.

emerson and jose go back inside at the calls of my aunt and mother. you and i are left alone outside.

"have you ever kissed a boy before?" you ask me quietly, eyes fixated on an ant on the ground.

"no...have you?" i say, taking a long sip from my coke. the carbonation stings my eyes, and they water.

"not a boy, but i kissed this girl once at my school." you declare proudly.

"did you force her or make a bet?" i poke. i nervously drink more coke. why am i nervous?

"no, she asked me to! so i did it...want me to show you?" suddenly we are both fixated on the same ant crawling in the sidewalk cracks.

"...i guess so."

awkwardly we turn to face each other. the ant has flipped itself over now, its frantic legs moving quickly in the air above it. you put your hands on my shoulders and i do the same to you.

slowly leaning in, you quickly peck my sugary lips. i taste the coke on yours when you pull away, and wonder if you can taste mine. we got the same flavor, but yours tastes better.

"that wasn't so bad...not as gross as i thought it would be," i say. other ants have started to come and surround the struggling ant, some have climbed on top of it.

"yeah, i guess it was okay." you take my hand and lead me inside. "lets go see if there's any food left!"

"okay!"

that was nice, but not amazing like in the movies. oh well.

the ant is now being torn apart. one of its' appendages lies a few millimeters away from the rest of its struggling body. the other ants slowly move it toward the main sidewalk crack.


who would have known that the simple sweet sugary kiss of that day would have turned into something much more. something much more dangerous, much more forbidden.

soldier

that night the stars fell from the sky in my world.

and you were the cause of it.

i had begun the next day not speaking to you. my vow when i closed my eyes the night before was never to see you again, in my dreams or in the dull humdrum of the days to come. my tears, long run dry, did not have permission to fall for you once more, as i dragged myself towards the bathroom mirror. staring back was a little girl, nothing more. who's swollen face and tossled hair did not hide the break in her plain jane eyes. a vivid ferocity that was once there had faded over time, eroded by whispers of "i love you", calls that never did come, hours spent waiting alone at swanky restaurants. i quickly look away from the mirror, and wander back to the bed. out of the corner of my eye i see the red blinking of an answering machine.

11 new messages.

i'm sure that somewhere between all of the "baby please pick up the phone, i really need to explain about last night, you know i need you more than anything"s there is some form of an explanation as to why.

why did i let him into my heart? why were my barriers so susceptible to his charms? why did i even listen when he said..."together forever". i had known better than that; fairy tales are fairy tales, i had always told myself that.

why?

all of these thoughts were hurting my insides. i threw on some clothes and headed towards the door, grabbing a cardboard box on the way. your things--an old baseball t-shirt, your razor and a toothbrush, the cologne that floods my head with your name, a few pairs of boxer shorts. the picture lying on the top of the pile--i set that aside. it was taken last summer, black and white. a pang tugs at my stomach, staring into your laughing eyes, remembering the smell of the breeze that day. for a second i miss the feeling of being held in your arms.

why?


but the second ends. and i hate you again.

i throw the box into the back of my car and speed. i've never really been a very careful driver; speed limits are more like helpful suggestions of how fast you should be going; but as they are suggestions, they can easily be ignored. the long rehearsed route to your house is very mechanical to me, and i dont need to think about which way to take, as i already know. i pulled up to your house and see the familiar little surroundings, the flowers your mother vigorously maintains bordering the walk. tulips, my favorite. the first time i had come here, i knew we were meant to be--you had tulips in your front yard.

setting the box down in front of the door, i struggle not to ring the doorbell.

no. just leave his stuff and get out of here before anyone sees you.

"baby?"

i freeze. still facing your front door, i know that you're standing there behind me.

"hey, i was hoping you would come...i was just about to go over to your house but i saw your car..."

"i really dont want to see you," i whisper. my tears break the rules; soon my face is damp with them.

"i know you dont...but i dont think i can even think for another minute without speaking to you...we really need to talk more about this." a pair of rough hands grasp my shoulders and i am pulled back. i desperately fight against my body not to allow it, but it doesn't listen, and i find myself wrapped in arms.

"please will you talk to me about it? you left so fast last night that i barely even got a chance to explain.."

"what is there to talk about?! you're leaving me!" i seethe. my body is shocked awake by my reason, and i struggle to break free of the arms. they hold me tighter, closer, turning me around to face the torso they are attached to. my vow is broken, and i stare up into your eyes.

i have always been fascinated by your eyes. they arent the clear, striking blue that most guys in those love stories have; they are like mine. dark, not really anything out of the ordinary, and they appear amber in the sunlight. it was the sincerity and truth that was always reflected through them. you see people for who they are, and all that they can be. and i loved you for that. and i see it still. your eyes, vessels of emotion; right now i see longing. and pain.

shit.

"i'm not leaving you. how could you even think that?" i am trapped by your eyes, holding me up. i dare not look away, or i will come crashing down.

"i just...i dont know how else to say how sorry i am..."

"then don't. just tell me...why you?"

silence.

"why you out of the hundreds, thousands others they could've chosen? why are they sending you to die..."

my voice breaks, as does my breath. your eyes, still holding me, open a flood gate of reasons why.

"i have to go...they need me. i am going for you--"

"for me? what are you talking about for me! they don't need you! i need you! i need you here with me, not fighting someone else's war only to die in the process!" the tears are flowing freely now, and i forget about hiding them.

"by going i am defending everything that i love. i am defending YOU, you who i care about more than anything else in this world! please, i just wish you would understand that...i wouldnt go if i didnt know you were strong enough to stay here...to stay here and wait for me."

you're doing this for me? is that why? because you love me?

"i...i still dont understand.." i whisper into your chest, daring to blink and lose sight of you.

"i know, it's something that's not easy to understand...but people are dying...and i am so grateful that it's not happening here, because the thought of anything happening to you---"

the longing and pain in your eyes has manifested into emissions of rage. it frightens me, and i tense against your embrace. a long silence follows.

"i just have to go. to make sure that in the future things are better...for us...for our children."

the eyes that hold me so captivated slowly close and look away. i brace myself for the fall, scrambling to hold on to anything in reach...and what i reach for is you. a jarring hit on the pavement as i hurtle from the stars, i finally understand; and resign myself to your arms at last.

we stood there for what seemed like forever. but as i've learned, forever doesn't last. people said that i was too young, too foolish to wait for you. and days came when i thought so myself. but one glance at the ring on my left finger, and i understood that the wait meant nothing; only the day when you came home. every night i paste the stars back up into the sky, leaving one spot for yours; the spot that will be filled when i can be lifted by your eyes again.